Do you suspect you are divorcing a narcissist? Perhaps these statements sound familiar:
“My spouse is a master manipulator and game player.”
“My spouse always needs to be right.”
“He/she has a grandiose sense of self.”
“He/she has no conscience.”
“My ex lies, exaggerates and makes stuff up to make me look bad.”
“Nothing is ever their fault.”
“My spouse tries to pit the kids against me.”
“My ex wants to take me to court to have power over me.”
Divorcing a narcissist partner is often quite a traumatic experience. The relationship itself was probably toxic enough, thanks to your narcissist’s love of drama and conflict, their over-inflated sense of self-esteem and their lack of empathy. But dealing with a narcissist when it comes to divorce? These are the exes that really want to make you pay at all costs for having the audacity to leave and divorce them.
When it comes to divorcing a narcissist, the best thing you can do is to be prepared for what is to come. Narcissists are well known for being controlling and manipulative, and when it comes to family law, they tend to enjoy prolonged and escalating conflict. In fact, they often thrive on the adversarial nature of going to court. But it may be your only avenue to resolve your matters, since a narcissist is unlikely to want to come to any amicable agreements on parenting or property issues.
However, there are certain things you can do now that will help you manage your family law case with your narcissist. Here are our top tips for divorcing a narcissist and staying sane!
1. Get yourself prepared for divorcing a narcissist
If possible before you separate, ensure you have collected the financial paperwork you will need for your divorce, including any information that your spouse will likely later try to prevent you from having. Keep documents in a safe place until you provide them to your lawyer.
2. Document everything before divorcing a narcissist
Save all text messages, voicemails and phone logs, Skype messages, Facebook posts, cards, letters and emails. Record behaviours in a diary. Have someone witness any face-to-face contact (only if this is not going to add to the dispute).
3. Think logically and factually
Therapists often recommend that your response to a narcissist should be measured. Be aware that the narcissist is usually trying to push your buttons to get a negative response from you. Remember they are expert gaslighters, who claim you are crazy and look for any kind of ‘proof’ that you are, to bolster their case.
4. Don’t feed the tiger
Avoid reacting emotionally in any way – it’s what your narcissistic ex wants. Distance and disengagement are key, though of course, often easier said than done. Consider getting counselling to help you manage how *you* respond.
5. Insist communication occurs in writing only
Not only will you have a paper trail of all their likely rants and abuse to come, but you can also write emails and save them in draft, to allow yourself to cool and reconsider what you are saying. You can also simply ignore those rants you receive. For issues where you do need to respond, keep things brief, business-like and to the point – and don’t fall into the trap of responding in kind to abusive messages. Remember that anything you put in writing may be before a court one day – consider how any judge or family consultant might view your own communications.
Stay away from social media and instant messaging, and if you can face it, screenshot and print everything you get sent, send yourself copies by email to date stamp them electronically (or get a friend to do it for you) – do not ever respond like for like. If there are ever threats of violence or reprisal report it to the Police.
6. Attack the problem, not the other parent
When addressing parenting matters, it’s wise to remember to keep things focused on the issue and how to resolve it, rather than criticising your narcissistic co-parent.
7. Anticipate your ex’s strategy
Play devil’s advocate with your case. What arguments is your narcissist going to make? You know your spouse better than your lawyer does, so do help your lawyer understand how your spouse may respond.
8. Try to establish a stockpile of funds
The unfortunate reality of divorcing a narcissist is that proceedings can take longer than usual, typically because a narcissist will attempt to both derail and prolong the whole divorce process. They might ignore orders, fail to disclose, hoard money or spend down marital funds. They often continue to fight simply for the sake of fighting, or in the hope that you will run out of money first. This means you need to prepare for the long haul, which means having funds to rely on. (Read our blog on your funding options in this regard.)
9. Get help from professionals with experience in the area
Back yourself by hiring a family lawyer who understands the problems of divorcing a narcissist. You need a lawyer who knows how to help you through this very difficult phase of your life without letting your narcissistic ex-partner try to completely destroy you. It will be helpful to talk to a lawyer who is empathetic to your situation and who has experience in dealing with similar cases.
Are you divorcing a narcissist? Please contact Canberra family lawyer Cristina Huesch or one of our other experienced solicitors here at Alliance Family Law on (02) 6223 2400.
If you are dealing with a narcissistic ex-partner, whether or not they have a confirmed diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder or simply display many narcissistic traits, and you need support to get through a relationship breakdown, we can help you with information about how to deal with the situation in a way that helps you and your spouse or partner in the long term. Of course, Alliance Family Law staff are not qualified to give a mental health diagnosis. Our role is strictly limited to providing legal advice.
However, our lawyers make a point of attending seminars run by psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals to learn how to run family law cases effectively where spouses have diagnosed or potential personality disorders. So if you have a family law matter and your ex is a narcissist, it’s important to let us know. There are certain strategies we lawyers can use, and tactics we can expect, in cases involving narcissistic exes.
Please note our blogs are not legal advice. For information on how to obtain the correct legal advice, please contact Alliance Legal Services.
