Small children often won’t be able to understand what’s going on and will simply reflect the emotion they see around them. If there is a lot of shouting and emotion, they will react badly to that. If you are calm, even if you are upset inside, it will be easier for them.

Sometimes younger children may behave in a regressive way, and appear clingy with one parent. This doesn’t mean they don’t love the other parent, or shouldn’t be around them. If you are the preferred carer at this time, it doesn’t mean that in the long term the other parent won’t be more involved in the child’s life. Consider how you will normalise the relationship between the child and the other parent as in almost all cases both parents will play major parts in the child’s life. Keeping things as normal as possible during separation is going to make it easier for the child (the primary goal) to move between their parents’ homes later on. It’s not about you, it’s about the children.

If you are the remote parent in this situation, don’t worry. If your matter does become adversarial and ends up in court a child psychologist or court-appointed counsellor or family consultant will be able to make recommendations and give feedback about how things can be brought back to normal, even if it takes a bit of time. If things are difficult with the children around the time of separation, it does not necessarily mean that’s how it will be in the long term.

Older children know what’s going on and can react in very different ways. Some may want to go with a parent who is leaving; others may become withdrawn, angry and even aggressive. Some children become very alienated from one parent because they may take another parent’s side, particularly if new partners are on the scene. Their studies can suffer, they may think about running away, they may act delinquently, or in unusual and unpredictable ways – they may not appear to be the child you love and know. Your most important job is to help them through this and not to become so focused on your own problems that you forget about them and theirs.

If your matter goes to court, depending on the ages of the children, they may have an opportunity to give their views to a number of experts such as children’s lawyers, a court-appointed psychologist, or a legal family report writer. Children will sometimes tell these third parties something completely different to what they will tell their mum or dad – sometimes they really need to talk to an independent third party. The views of your children can be taken into account when working out what arrangements suit them. Sometimes these arrangements may not be what either parent wanted and may not sound ‘fair’. But at the end of the day, remember, this is about what’s best for them.

Almost always, if it is possible, children are initially better off remaining in the family home. This is a familiar and safe place for them, at least to start with, whilst they adjust to the new situation. Allowing them to spend extra time with their close friends can be helpful, and you should consider seeking out friends to assist who have a stable family life – especially if the family is a settled, blended family, so they can see that what is happening to them is not going to be the end of the world. If your children feel supported, and if you help them to maintain relationships with friends, grandparents, and other relatives, they can quickly adapt.

Your separation may not be a surprise to you (if you are the person wanting to leave) but you will need to spend some time planning how you are going to help the kids through this time in advance, because it nearly always comes as a shock, and they will need time to adjust. Think about when you will tell them, the words you will use, and don’t be blaming. Give them time to process the information and expect them to be very emotional. Try to anticipate their questions, and make sure they know they can come to you again and again for more information and detail, as they think of their questions. We can advise about a number of Government and non-Government service providers who offer services that can help at this time, including courses and workshops for separated parents, courses for teenagers, and other counselling services.

Some parents try to turn the children against the other parent. It is really important you do not do this, that you don’t talk negatively about the other parent or any new partner. It can have a long lasting impact on the children, and if you do there is a high likelihood that if the Family Court becomes involved, child psychologists will find out what’s been said. This can adversely affect future access arrangements.